I could go into agonizing detail as to why, but I won't. I'll save my retroactive posts about what went on between the world n' me during those fast and furious five years at some point in the future. Some of the best stories are told anachronistically anyway. But I digress.
When I revisited this blog for the first time in years a few days ago, I had a pretty obvious epiphany-- that it's essentially my electronic diary, a more permanent way to preserve my thoughts, opinions, memories, etc. So, I did the same thing you do when you find an old diary-- I read through it.
A few of the posts made me smile, like the one titled "Open your Eyes-- Your Dream has been Deferred," which chronicles the time I auditioned for an acting and modeling agency when I was 25 and living in Washington state. The post even includes the practice video of the Ponds Facial Wipes commercial I eventually went on to do live at the tryouts. "Still got it," I thought when I watched it (and re-watched it again, and again, and again).
Interestingly enough, in that same post, I also complained about how long it had been since I'd written a blog entry, so... you may see a theme developing. At least I'm consistent. Or maybe, not so much. Because in that same post, I refer to my failure to post a more recent update as being "gay." And in case it wasn't obvious that I didn't mean it in an uplifting context, I went ahead and clarified by saying, "I could be saying "gay" as I often do to mean, 'uh... lame.'"
So... yeah... that was me circa June 2013. It is now September 2019. Six years later. It seems like a lifetime ago. I like to think I've grown as a person since then. I no longer use the word "gay" to refer to things I find annoying or inconvenient. I've come to see how that can be hurtful to those who actually ARE gay, especially when there are still people aplenty who really do think less of a person who identifies as LGBTQIA. I came to my own conclusion that my right to use a word didn't make it acceptable or appropriate, especially if it came at someone else's expense.
I was fortunate though. Nobody who may have read that post gave me a hard time about it. I didn't have to close my social media accounts and go into hiding because of it. My life changed drastically not at all. And this wasn't even my first offense! In my head, I'd always prided myself on being just the right amount of honest on social media-- enough to seem genuine, but not so much so that anything could and would be used against me in a court of law. But thanks to the beauty of Timehop, from time to time, I've come across some other incriminating and cringe-worthy word crumbs scattered throughout my trail of memories, leaving discomfort and sometimes outright embarrassment in their wake.
We all know we've said, say, and will continue to say stupid things. It's just one of the many pitfalls of humanity. It's not an excuse to not improve, but it is something to keep in mind the next time we hear one of the endless bits of "breaking news," where some poor sap, usually someone with even a hint of notoriety, has to apologize for something they said, wrote, or thought once upon a time but have since apologized for and moved on from. But nowadays, we don't let people move on, not really. After all, nothing is ever truly gone from the internet, is it? Which means a person's words linger, and we grip them together in a choke hold, unwilling to accept that the process of learning, growing, changing, repeat, are essential to the basic mold and make of our very beings. They are gifts, which we seem unable or unwilling to give each other at present.
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| Everyone, in relation to everyone else |
The current call-out culture makes me grateful I'm not famous. It makes me sad we can't let people move on from their mistakes, new or old. It makes me frustrated that attacking people and trying to ruin their lives seems to be the end goal. It makes me worried that we're creating shallow distractions instead of doing the hard, necessary work of digging deeper to the root causes of some of the world's most pressing problems. It makes me wonder: where do we go from here?
I don't have all the answers (just most of them), but for my part, I briefly considered going back and editing some of my past posts that paint me in a less-than-perfect light. It would be so easy to do; who would know or care anyway? But in the end, I didn't do it; not because I didn't feel bad about what I'd said and wish I could take it back, but because this, all of it, this is my history, for better or worse. I'll let my words stand as a testament to the fact that I am flawed. I'm imperfect. I'm complex. I know that in the past, I meant well, and I mean well now, and I will grant myselves, past and present, grace. Most importantly, I'll strive to extend patience and kindness to others, as has been and will hopefully continue to be done for me.
I was who I was. I am who I am. I said what I said.
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